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With Your Grieving
Grief is painful. And everyone who grieves can use a helping hand and a listening ear. But how do you know if you would benefit from a little extra help, help from an expert in loss and bereavement issues? What clues might indicate you could use some extra care?
Here are ten questions to ask yourself about various aspects of your grief. Any grieving person might experience these briefly, but if you sense them continuing, it’s probably time to talk to someone knowledgeable about grieving … if only to reassure yourself that you’re on the right path.
1. Are you always irritable, annoyed, intolerant or angry these days?
2. Do you experience an ongoing sense of numbness or of being isolated from your own self or from others? Do you usually feel that you have no one to talk to about what’s happened?
3. Since your loved one died, are you highly anxious most of the time about your own death or the death of someone you love? Is it beginning to interfere with your relationships, your ability to concentrate or live as you would like to live?
4. Do you feel that you are always and continually preoccupied with your loved one, his or her death or certain aspects of it even though it’s been several months since his or her death?
5. Do you usually feel restless or in “high gear”? Do you feel the need to be constantly busy…beyond what’s normal for you?
6. Are you afraid of becoming close to new people for fear of losing again?
7. Do you find yourself acting in ways that might prove harmful to you over time: drinking more than you used to; using more prescription or non-prescription drugs; engaging in sexual activity that is unsafe or unwise; driving in an unsafe or reckless manner (beyond what is normal for you); or entertaining serious thoughts about suicide?
8. Are you taking on too much responsibility for surviving family members or close friends? (What’s too much responsibility? That varies greatly and depends on the situation, but if you’re feeling heavily burdened by it, angry or like the situation is "suffocating" you, it might be time to speak with someone.)
9. Do your grief reactions continue, over time, to be limited in some way? Are you experiencing only a few of the reactions or emotions that usually come with grief? Are you unable to express your thoughts or feelings about your loved one? And his or her death in words or in actions? Do you remember only certain aspects of your loved one or your relationship together, for example only the good parts as opposed to a more, complete and balanced view of him or her?
10. Is there some aspect of what you're experiencing that makes you wonder about whether you’re normal or going crazy? Do you feel stuck in your grief in some way, unable to move on, even though [it has] been some time since your loved one’s death?
Beyond these ten signs, trust your own judgment. If you think that talking to a professional might help, talk to one or more people to see who you are comfortable with. Take advantage of one who seems helpful to you. After all, grief is painful enough without trying to do it all by yourself.
Handout provided by Ministry of Social Transformation, Bereavement Support Services- The National Assistance Board
Hope was a signpost pointing straight in the air. Hope was my uncle’s middle name, He died of it. After a year I am still climbing, though my feet slip on your stone face. The treeline has long since disappeared; Green is a colour I have forgotten. But now I see what I am climbing towards: Acceptance written in capital letters, a special headline: Acceptance, its name is in lights. I struggle on, Waving and shouting. Below, my whole life spreads its surf, all the landscapes I’ve ever known or dreamed of. Below a fish jumps; the pulse in your neck. Acceptance. I finally reach it. But something is wrong. Grief is a circular staircase. I have lost you
Linda Pastan
Stage One: Shock
Shock is a state which can last approximately one year. It is similar to a protective cocoon which shelters from the harsh actuality of death. "Shock is a temporary escape from reality. As long as it is temporary it is good."
It is important that the grieving person "keep [s] busy and continue[s] to carry on as much of [their] usual activities as possible during the period of crisis. It is certainly not good to have someone to take over completely for us at such a time and make all our decisions for us. The sooner the person has to deal with the immediate problems and make decisions again, the better."
Stage Two: Overwhelming emotion
At some point one will come to terms with the passing of the deceased. When this happens the desire for an "emotional release" arises. This feeling should not be subdued as it "…is exactly what we ought to do: allow ourselves to express the emotions we actually feel."
Stage Three: Depression and Loneliness
This stage of grief called depression does not have a specific time period. During this stage you may feel an utter sense of loss and loneliness. Take heart, "Dark days do not last forever, even though the person lost in the depression seems to think they will."
Stage Four: Physical Symptoms of Distress
Sometimes grief physically manifests itself as illness. The person suffering from physical symptoms of illness usually can not rid themselves of their illness unless they first, deal with "the central problems related to that loss".
Stage Five: Feelings of Panic
This stage is filled with cyclic bouts of worry. "We find ourselves becoming panicky because we can think of nothing but the loss. We try to get our mind off the subject, but soon we are right back again where we started." The feelings of panic arise when you think that you are the only one experiencing these feelings and you try to solve them instead of letting them run its course.
Stage Six: Guilt about the loss
They are two types of guilt associated with grief. "Normal guilt is the guilt we feel when we have done something or neglected to do something for which we ought to feel guilty. Neurotic guilt is feeling all out of proportion to our real involvement in this particular problem." To overcome feelings of guilt you have to first face it and ask forgiveness. In the case that the feeling of guilt is severe/ neurotic you should not be ashamed but go and talk to a professional to sort out these troubling emotions.
Stage Seven: Anger and resentment
Once depression begins to disperse, the feelings of anger and resentment can raise their ugly heads. It is natural to want to be angry at all parties involved with the loss of the loved one. "As humans, we are always looking for someone to blame. We may be hostile toward the doctors, the nurses, relatives and even God."
Stage Eight: Resist returning to everyday life
For all the emotional havoc grief brings to our lives, it is not easy to return to everyday life. Sometimes people resist returning as they feel unable to cope with the daily challenges of today's world. Also, grieving keeps the memory of the loved one alive and some may not want to give up on that. To return to our normal day to day existence would mean having to grieve quietly and attempt to move on.
Stage Nine: Glimmers of Hope
"We may be in deep grief anywhere from a few weeks to many months (to years)." Whilst some may grief quietly to overcome the dire feelings of loss, most people "…need the affection and warm encouragement of those around them." Over time they will find new experiences and be encouraged by these to restart living life.
Stage Ten: Affirmation of Reality
"As we begin to struggle to affirm reality, we find that we need not be afraid of the real world. We can live in it … [and] …even love it again… and hope once more becomes a part of our outlook on life."
Quoted and paraphrased from the book
"GOOD GRIEF" By Granger E. Westberg,
Fortress Press, Philadelphia, 1962, 1971